I know that as a wife and mother, I tend to be a perfectionist. You know women have so much pressure to balance it all - career vs. family vs. friends vs. ourself. The most freeing moment I've experienced was when I decided to let some things go andlive my life – worry free, guilt free, and fear free. No one can be everyone to everybody. No one can control every situation. More importantly, no one shouldhave to be expected to either. I decided January 1, 2012 that I would not start another year doing the same thing I’ve done in the past.
In the past I made the mistake of believing that I could fix EVERYThing, and it was my responsibility to make things right for EVERYone. I had made it my life’s work to make other people comfortable, but I had forgotten about the most important person of all – Me. For so long I allowed my worries about making mistakes, my guilt from past mistakes, and my fear of making mistakes in the future keep me from appreciating my life now.
All my life I’ve always seen myself as a caregiver. Not a bad quality to have in theory, but I really didn’t know what my role as a caregiver should have been. As a little girl, taking care of pets and plants was easy and quite fulfilling. As ateenager, taking care of children (babysitting) was easy and quite fulfilling. As an adult, taking care of my husband, children, and career wasn’t quite as easy and I struggled to find fulfillment. My reward and the ultimate measure of my success was based on how well my family was doing. As long as they were ok, I was ok. Do you know how hard it is to be responsible for another person’s life/happiness/success? I was truly up against the impossible, and not realizing my self imposed set up to failure was my biggest mistake. Does this sound familiar? Problems at home – work even harder to keep your home “normal.” Problems on the job – work even harder to keep your job “normal.” Problems with your children –work even harder to keep your children “normal.” Problems with finances, work even harder to keep the finances “normal.” Of course there is nothing wrongwith working harder to solve problems, but there’s everything wrong with working hard to solve “every” problem.
For years I would be “on call” ready to put out any problem that arose for anyone –sometimes without being asked. Just as firefighters are trained to put outfires, I feel that I was trained to put out “problem” fires. My mother and religious education taught me to care for others as I would care for myself. My own perception of a caregiver actually led me to the anxiety ridden world of the “perfectionist.” Who better take care of me than myself? So it stands to reason that - Who better take careof others than me? Just as the duty of the firefighter is to get the fire undercontrol, the duty of the “perfectionist” is to get their “environment” undercontrol. I worked so hard to keep my home perfect, my job perfect, my relationships perfect that I had no time to care for myself. Eventually “perfectionism” took a toll on me, because my health started to fail – my relationships started to fail – and most of all I was failing myself. Of course I was taking care of my family, but not at all the way I could have been. What did I learn from my perfectionist mistakes?
First of all, no one is perfect. We all make mistakes. Pencils have erasers on the tops for that very reason. Once we make a mistake, we have to learn from it, and then we correct it. How silly would it be to never use the pencil eraser after a written mistake? Isn’t it much better to have a neat corrected paper than to have a sloppy crossed out mess of a paper? This is how I see my life now. I want to be the much nicer corrected paper. I don’t want the mess that was my prior life. Today I can accept the ‘mistakes” of myself and others without the urge to cross things out with my “perfectionist” pencil. Life is not a race. Life is a journey to be experience with all the senses – slowly – thoroughly – and most important gratefully.
Second, I learned that I need to take care of myself before I can take care of others. I am no longer the understudy of my life’s work, I am now the leading lady with my feet planted firmly at center stage. I’m facing the world eyes forward, projecting my voice for all to hear, ready to take on life’s challenges with the confidence of a multimillion dollar grossing Hollywood Actress. I deserve to be happy too, and I have been practicing how to happy every day.
Finally I know that being a perfectionist has no reward. Today my reward is knowing that my family sees how much I care about them because of what I am able to do so now. I am able to take care of them, because I’ve learned to take care of myself. During the most troubled times of my past, I would look to the things that gave me the most joy – my family, my friends, my pets, and my plants (nature). I’ve always been a free spirit – running wild amongst the flowers (people) of life. I guess my “free spirit” helped me choose a career in Education. Teaching is such a good fit for me because it combines my need to care for others(children), sharing knowledge, and autonomy (freedom). The classroom used to be one of the most freeing environments for me besides my home until I came upon a school district that stifled my creativity and cut my “free spirit” wings.
The unlimited potential of creative expression and learning in the classroom was the reward I needed to feel fulfilled in my career. The love and appreciation received from family and friends is the reward I need to feel fulfilled at home. The beauty and variety of nature is the reward I need to feel fulfilled spiritually. I feel nature puts me close to God. To this day, I love the comforting feeling I get snuggling with my doggies and I love the comforting feeling I get when I look at my plants and flowers. I love flowers so much that I purchase a bouquet of flowers for my dining room every two weeks when I go to the grocery store. Thanks to my husband, my house is surrounded by rose bushes, and I love it. Looking at flowers and hugging my doggies makes me feel like I’ve been kissed by nature. Now stay with me on this one - Who is responsible for the birds and the trees? For me, the answer is God – so that’s my nature –spiritual connection.
How do you solve problems at home or work? Do you have a sink in the bathtub or swim the English Channel mentality? I’ve learned not to sweat the small stuff, enjoy life, and stop to smell the roses. I’m happy. My family is happy. My friends are happy. My pets are happy. My plants are happy. All this happiness makes my life challenges easier to bear. If you asked me to describe myself a year ago, you would hear all the characteristics of a perfectionist. Today I am happy to admit that I am a “Petal Pusher.” My character traits would include those of a hippy flower child without the drugs. I am happy. I am free. You might be thinking – Flower child?? Yes I am a flower child, because I was born that way –au natural.
Are you a perfectionist or a petal pusher? Life is hard, but being unhappy all the time is actually harder. If you find that nothing is going your way at home or work no matter how hard you try, then you are probably a “perfectionist.” If you know that life is unpredictable, but you are capable of riding that wave of uncertainty knowing that you will be ok in the end– then you are a petal pusher. It’s time to make a choice. Slow down your life’s speed, and reconnect with your family, friends, and nature. Put on your sneakers, and go for a walk in your neighborhood or park. Look for all signs of nature, and start a photocollection if you can. If you can’t get outside to be close to nature, then bring nature closer to you. Buy a plant or purchase bouquet of flowers for your home. Adopt a pet or pet sit a neighbor's dog or cat. I’m sure that once to make these small changes, you will notice changes in your life. Happiness is created. Let’s get your new life –free of worry, guilt, or fear started today. Let me know how it’s working for you in about a month. Here we go!
